Author’s
Introduction (Note to all Copyeditors: Color-Code
this Section in Darkest Brown, for Highly Honorable, Accurate & Valuable
Information):
While an unnatural peace momentarily reigns
in our arm of the galaxy, The Divine Order of Things and Our Own Species’
aggressive, restlessly expansive nature make future conflicts inevitable. I won’t
comment on whether such wars are desirable
or not–all right-thinking beings are surely agreed regarding that!
But knowing all your enemies (potential
and actual) in as thorough and wide-ranging a sense as possible provides major advantages.
Also, I argue that scientific inquiry—gathering knowledge, increasing
understanding of those strange beings we share the stars with—is a worthy goal
unto itself.
Therefore, I present this necessarily brief overview of all the extant sentient species we’ve encountered in our centuries of space travel for your edification.
I. The Icklanders (Entry in Medium Blue, for Moderately Disgusting Content):
This telepathically-linked species never
leaves their homeworld, lest they lose mental contact with the balance of the
species and suffer fatal shock reactions. Nonetheless, they helped found the unnatural
multispecies military agreement that presently inhibits our continued, Divinely
Mandated Expansion.
They employ other species, from other
Alliance worlds and occasionally elsewhere, for such tasks as interstellar
diplomacy, trade and off-world military action. It must be conceded that their creative,
literally single-minded condition has led to advanced and unique technologies.
None among us should doubt they would fiercely defend their world upon the
defeat of the mercenaries who operate their well-equipped space fleet. But that’s
a matter for another essay.
Our concern today (and the true basis
of our instinctive distaste toward them—or ‘it,’ since no Icklander has any
individual identity) is the reproductive activity of these slug-like beings.
In Mating Season, Icklanders employ their pseudopods to climb their planetary equivalent of trees. Huddled together yet never quite touching, they unleash slimy, grotesque downpours of sperm and soft-shelled eggs (each has both female and male reproductive organs). For several local days, the surfaces of entire continents are coated with sticky reproductive muck, until hatchlings eat their way out of the seminal goo. The adults then slide down, resuming their regular activities without even a backward glance.
II. The Polygens (In Paler Blue, for Slightly Distasteful):
These suitably warlike
methane-breathers come in five sexes. The lone female in each family unit bears
live young and commands absolute leadership in all things. This blatantly sexist
arrangement may offend some sensibilities, yet is considered natural by them.
Successful mating involves one individual from each of the five genders. Deviations occur, though severely punished when discovered—a laudable display of species-wide discipline. One interesting perversion involves having more than one of a given gender involved. However, engaging in sexual activity with less than the normal five is considered the most socially objectionable.
III. The tas’Lenka (In Red, for Mostly Honorable):
Weakened by a series of conflicts
with the Polygens before our arrival in their space, these folk put up a
valiant if doomed fight. Now enslaved by us for a number of Standard Years, they
continue resisting in subtle ways—thereby underlining their courage,
intelligence and stubborn honor.
Their mating behaviors are no more or less violent, ethical or comprehensible than our own. We respect them, even if we occasionally have to make an example of some of them—usually a few thousand at a time.
IV. The Prenn (In Yellow, for Somewhat Unpalatable):
Cold-world O2-breathers, their
retractable foot-claws (think: natural ice skates) can serve for weapons-free
close combat, when necessary. As in other things, they’re very loyal, stable and
well-mannered reproductively—boring, in other words.
Unfortunately, they evidence disgustingly excessive levels of tolerance—going so far as to willingly share one small colony world with the most disgusting of all known sentient species (you know who I mean).
V. The Tama Ka’Mor (In Greenish-Yellow, for Slightly Unpalatable):
Another Cygnus Alliance founder, they show fighting spirit if provoked. Yet they sadly lack the drive to prove themselves in the eternal battle for survival and righteous dominance. They usually practice a form of serial monogamy not too much unlike our own—though lacking the rich “Relationship Death Ritual” symbolizing termination of a relationship among truly worthy lifeforms (that is to say: Us).
VI. The Maruts (In Very Pale Red, for Semi-Honorable):
This valiant, long-conquered species,
like a certain lifeform whose tragically misguided and self-inflicted destiny is
too painful to mention here, breathes fluorine. (And I boldly digress to ask:
Isn’t it time that we FINALLY acknowledge to ourselves that ancient tragedy was
NOT our fault? How were we to know the freakish creatures would commit
species-wide Mass Suicide rather than accept rightful enslavement by us!?)
Disappointingly, the Maruts no longer
give us much trouble, despite their fascinating ability to channel electrical
impulses through their bodies. They did give us a good battle despite being
centuries behind us, so we of course honored them by restricting our war-making
tech and tactics to ones no more than a half-century beyond their own.
The result was a glorious, nostalgic
struggle.
It’s too bad that their mating traditions are so free-form and chaotic as to defy easy characterization. This demonstrates the underlying lack of focus that (along with being technologically backward) doomed these courageous avians to their status as our most-senior slave race.
VII. The Khensu (In Pink, for Ambiguously Odd):
The last of Alliance’s first five
members, they live in a chlorine-based ecology and are renowned as the greatest
of all bio-engineers. They’re also peaceful to a bemusing fault, having never even
had a word for warfare until encountering other sentients. Strange people, yes—yet
their legendary commitment to their beliefs, no matter how evolutionarily
inappropriate and opposed to Divine Law, command some degree of respect.
They also display no passion in picking their mates-for-life and reproduce in orderly five-year cycles. Pretty boring, overall.
VIII. The Vayuans (In Near-Purple, for Mostly Shameful):
Oxygen-breathing cowards, these
avians mate the same way they spend most of the rest of their lives—in mid-air,
gliding along the air currents between their homeworld’s many mountains. Yes,
they were bright-eyed primitives when we met. We dealt with them accordingly,
our soldiers equipped with but the simplest weapons. Yet in contrast to the
Maruts, they surrendered without a fight.
So who gives a damn about their mating habits—or any other aspect of their so-called culture?
IX. The Lintonians (In Pure White, for Utterly Baffling):
What isn’t mysterious about these
silicon-based, extraordinarily advanced interstellar merchants? How did they
ever evolve? Or did some still-unknown super-intelligence genetically engineer
them, as some suggest? They sell all manner of other information (not to
mention the arcane hyperspace drives we and all other space-going species use).
But even the most basic questions about them are unanswerable at any price.
So until we (or, perish the thought, some rival species!) can reverse engineer their h-drives and force an end to their monopoly on interstellar travel tech, details of the Lintonians’ culture of star-traveling, hollowed out world-ships will doubtless remain obscure.
X. The Humans (In Deepest Purple, for Absolute Maximum Shamefulness):
Finally (and certainly least), we’re
forced to consider the most perverted sentients ever known or imagined. While
these O2-breathers are approximately as warlike as we are, yet we can rest
easily in knowing that is the only behavior we have in common.
They call us Narakans (in typically
corrupted dual reference to one of the countless ‘evil’ demons of their ancient
mythologies and to our prehensile trunks’ resemblance to a large quadruped mammal
(the elephant) native to the ancestral homeworld they ruined in their ever-treacherous
insanity). This term they dare apply to us as an ironic insult, in part because
we stand quite a bit shorter than the typical human’s skinny, unarmored frame.
And while we, in our perhaps too
stern yet always honor-bound view, shame ourselves for our unintended part in
the extinction of our first spacegoing opponents in the Divine Contest for
Dominance, these monstrous beings barely acknowledge the many lesser species
they have destroyed. But the worst and most intolerable aspect of their
behavior is the way they treat Each Other!
So I ask, if only rhetorically: What intelligent species makes war, even on itself?
Only one (as we all know) and in their essential depravity, humans place themselves beneath the notice of disciplined, dignified and honorable lifeforms such as ourselves!
~
Bio
Jim Lee comes from a Pennsylvania town better known for producing Olympic swim champ/early movie Tarzan Johnny Weissmuller, pioneer rock n roll DJ Alan Freed and millions tons of coal dust. He’s been a published writer since the 1980s. To date his work has appeared in a wide range of venues in the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, South Africa and China. His recent sales include SF stories and non-fiction in issues of the magazine OUTPOSTS OF BEYOND and such anthologies as FANTASY FOR THE THRONE, TOTAL WAR and STRANGE STORIES Volume One. A member of his local library’s Board of Trustees, he has just volunteered to serve as that organization’s new Treasurer.
Speculative engineering shakes things up in the ancient world, by Austin Scarberry.
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