by Richard Lau
Dear Prospective Employer:
My name is Simon Peter. I am currently unemployed and hoping to obtain a position with your company.
Here is a chronological listing of my previous occupations with brief descriptions of each.
Fisherman – along with my brother, caught fish to feed family and others.
Part-time Lifeguard – acquired temporary certification for absolute buoyancy.
Church Organizer – assisted church founder in leading a team of eleven others.
Pope – Appointed first Bishop of Rome, which led to a long successive string of others holding that prestigious office.
Security Officer – screened incoming personnel.
I would like to note two things about my last position as a security officer.
First, while a transition from Pope to Security Officer might seem like a downgrade or demotion, I must stress the action was indeed the opposite. As the one and only security officer, I was given the greater responsibility of granting or forbidding admittance to company headquarters. In essence, I was given “the keys to the company.”
Second, I am no longer holding that position through no fault in my performance. For further details about my performance and my dismissal, please refer to the attached glowing reference from my co-worker and immediate supervisor Gabriel.
Ironically, it is my former responsibility as gatekeeper that makes me a perfect match for your advertised opening.
While you do not currently have an official gatekeeper, you do have long lines of those awaiting entry, which I have tremendous experience in handling. You do have signage, but I believe as a living (so to speak) gatekeeper intoning, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here,” I can add immense value to your brand (pun intended).
I took the initiative to perform some market research, and I realize you have a very different company culture from my previous employer. However, I am flexible and a quick learner. I go back to my experience as a fisherman and ask: “Is casting a fishing line and flicking a whip all that different?”
In the spirit of full disclosure, I have spent some time in prison, but I think you may regard that as another positive asset in my favor.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
[Note from Human Resources: The attached scroll of papyrus is glowing, literally.]
Reference for Simon Peter by Angel Gabriel
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Gabriel, and my title is Archangel. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been with Heaven, Inc., for a very long time and have worked with many born-mortals.
It is without reservation that I say Simon Peter is among the best of them.
The line of applicants to our company headquarters is long and never-ending. His duties included politely and professionally greeting visitors, looking up their names in the Book of Life, and assigning them to their appropriate destination. A great and heavy burden to be placed on such small and frail human shoulders.
I worked beside him during our eternal shift and never have I seen him falter, act inappropriately, or bring shame to the high standards our brand puts forth. No matter what or who he encountered, he always behaved like a saint.
Unfortunately, our company decided to upgrade and automate its entry system. Visitors are now identified by retina scan and facial recognition software. Information about each prospective entrant is now gathered and displayed through Google Search. Yea, the Book of Life is now truly “in the Cloud.”
I hope you will find a position for this fine human and worker.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
Richard Lau has been published in newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and the high-tech industry.