by Jeff Currier

Jacob, I have another game for us to play.
You’re not still sore from losing the Title Game?
I was not a sore loser—I was just trying to exhaust all possibilities before conceding. Regardless, for this contest we get to play as a team.
What game then?
The Impossible Things Scavenger Hunt. We get enough items, and we could win our very own pocket universe.
While the prospect of such divine solitude is indeed enticing, isn’t this endeavor automatically self-defeating?
Not necessarily. There are different kinds of possibility, so different kinds of impossibility.
I remain deeply skeptical, but I was getting bored calculating the next largest prime anyway. I can indulge you— for a little while at least.
Always so gracious, Jacob.
I assume you require me to fire up the Einstein-Rosen bridge generator.
Yes. But first you need to promise me you won’t denigrate anything on the list.
Not confidence inspiring, but why would you think I’d do that?
Oh, I don’t know—something about humans being ‘so enamored with irrelevancies’?
Fine. I promise. What’s first on the list?
A broken promise.
You’ve got to be kidding me. How is that an impossible thing? Are they all going to be that inane?!
And we have our first item.
I am hard pressed to see how Kantian moral impermissibility counts as a kind of impossibility, but whatever. Maybe we can just collect all these so-called ‘impossible’ things without even leaving this room. Dare I ask what’s next?
Unicorn blessed enchanted sword.
Hallelujah! We get to leave this universe.
Your facetiousness aside, just tell me you can get us to the magical realms.
Should be easy enough. Magical universes cluster 1729 layers down the multiverse’s Mandelbrot fractal. Jumping now.
#
Well, that was harder than you predicted.
Who knew unicorns tend to bless virgins and not magic swords.
Haven’t you read every piece of literature ever produced?
And why should anyone think that what humans happen to write down is at all indicative of what is or is not possible? Regardless, I still maintain that being exceedingly rare, even in magical space, is not the same as being impossible.
It’s impossible according to the physical laws of our universe.
As if our universe is that special. Perhaps I’ll abandon you in a universe in which AI’s evolved naturally.
And how would such intelligences be artificial?
Fine. I’ll stop griping about the meaning of ‘impossible’ if you tell me the next item on the list.
Poisonous water.
Just get some from the tap. Water is murder on my circuits.
Sorry Jacob, but I’m pretty sure it means poisonous to humans.
Of course, this game is bio-chauvinistic. Fine, how about water from Elk River, West Virginia?
No, I’m sure the arbiters of the Hunt will not accept water that has merely been contaminated with something poisonous. The water itself must be poisonous.
Undoubtedly the judges are all humans as well. So, back to the realms of magic, then? You know we could have searched for enchanted deadly water at the same time we were looking for that bloody elusive unicorn-blessed sword.
Water that has been enchanted to be deadly still won’t be good enough. We need water that is, by its very own nature, poisonous.
Umm, then it wouldn’t be water?
So, you grant this truly is an impossible thing?
And hence unfindable in a scavenger hunt.
What about a universe in which natural law is such that water, the combination of two hydrogen atoms with an oxygen atom has an additional natural property that is lacking in this world, i.e., one that makes it poisonous.
But if such a world had lifeforms like you composed mostly of, call it p-water, wouldn’t it not be poisonous to them? So, it’s still not poisonous water.
It would still be poisonous to humans in this universe.
So, not just bio-chauvinistic, but bio-in-this-universe chauvinistic.
How about a world in which there are no lifeforms like me exactly because the water there is poisonous?
But even if we were to acquire such water from either of your most recent proposals, would such water keep its extra natural property when we brought it back into our universe with our natural laws? Or would it just become regular old non-poisonous water and so not satisfy the judges.
I honestly don’t know. But whatever the trans-world continuity laws are, I certainly don’t plan on drinking it to find out. Maybe we come back to this one?
By all means. I wait with bated breath to find out what our next ‘impossible’ thing is.
You promised not to cast aspersions on the list.
Already broken, so …
Dr. Watson’s war wound. Shouldn’t be too hard. Universes instantiating realistic fiction tend to group pretty close to ours.
Wait, which war wound of Dr. Watson’s?
Excuse me?
In A Study in Scarlet it’s a shoulder wound, but in The Sign of the Four it’s a leg wound.
Uhhmm, maybe we could get one of each?
Perhaps there is another option, though it would require jumping to a universe not as realistic as the one most take Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to be depicting.
I’m listening.
Doyle doesn’t specify the physical laws in his stories. All we need is a universe that instantiates Dr. Watson having a shoulder war wound in 1881 and a leg war wound in 1888.
A universe in which wounds radically change locations? Wouldn’t such a world make a mockery of the regularities required for Sherlock’s vaunted method of deduction?
Not necessarily. The only anomaly in said universe might be the shift in the location of Dr. Watson’s wound along with his recollections of how he acquired said wound. Otherwise, it could be a universe almost like ours.
Fine. But let’s get all three options just to be safe.
Jumping now.
#
The Watsons have been safely deposited with the arbiters.
Were the good doctors still arguing about which one was the real Watson?
Yes. Hopefully our next return trip will be quieter.
Indeed. Less human prattling is a good thing.
Jacob, are you insul—
Next item?
Hilbert’s Hotel. But I don’t know what that is.
It is a hotel that has an infinite number of rooms, all of which are occupied, and yet newly arriving guests can be provided their own private rooms without the creation of any additional rooms.
But if all the rooms are occupied, how do you accommodate new guests? Actually, never mind. Do you know where we might find one?
I do. Infinite universes with super-taskers aggregate aleph-naught layers out in the Multiverse at a minimum. It’ll take us a while to get there, but the real problem is how to transport something that large back.
Do the rooms all need to be the same size?
No. There just has to be denumerably many of them and each one needs to be occupied.
Let’s just find a Hilbert’s Hotel where each room is half the volume of the previous room. If the volume of the first room is X, then the total volume of all the rooms will be 2X, and voila, an infinite number of rooms all packed into an itty-bitty finite volume.
Ingenious. There’s hope for you yet. Jumping.
#
Last one—round square.
Hell no! I am not jumping us into a merely subsistent Meinongian universe.
Not even for your very own pocket universe?
Do you want to risk transmogrifying into a rutabaga? Or the square root of negative one? It’d be barely a step above throwing ourselves into primordial chaos. Hard no.
Well in that case, we need to find some poisonous water.
Perhaps we can ask the naturally evolved AI where to find some.
~
Bio:
Jeff Currier works three jobs (one actually in philosophy), so has little time to write fiction. Hence, he writes little stories, usually even shorter than this one. Find links at jffcurrier on X or Jeff Currier Writes on Facebook.
Philosophy Note:
Since the Nexus of ‘Untitled’ is inaccessible by any rational means, our two protagonists of ‘Title Game’ will have to scour the Multiverse instead. Just how far afield will they need to go to find, say, deontic, epistemic, physical, metaphysical, or logical impossibilities? Could the Multiverse itself contain truly impossible worlds? For a more serious take on some of these issues you could try, Boris Kment’s “Varieties of Modality” in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, located here: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/modality-varieties/














